Turning a Page

So...blogging, huh?  Eric started one, so I had to follow!  Kidding actually;  I used to have a blog when I had a MySpace page- was actually the main reason I kept it as long as I did.  Kind of wish FB had a blog...but it doesn't.  Notes just ain't the same.

Today...I bought my last pair of fat girl jeans.  I can't stay this way, I can't keep living this way.  It's not healthy.  I shouldn't be out of breath from climbing the stairs at work. I shouldn't eat so much crap and avoid so many fruits and veggies.  I should drink more water.  I should- dare I say it?- EXERCISE and get in shape.  Not bodybuilding-marathon-running in shape, but perhaps able to FIND the muscles under the fat???

But...let me be honest here- the weight itself bothers me more than I can possibly explain.  As in, yes, I need to be healthier...but that translates in my mind into thinner.  A portion of my self-image- possibly even my self-worth- is always going to be tied up in my weight, I think.  Which is sad and unhealthy; I know.  But I don't know that that link will ever completely disappear.  It's much MUCH weaker than once it was, but it's like a little corner of my brain has been permanently altered and the link itself will ALWAYS be there.

So, for my both my health and my sanity...it's time to change to a healthier lifestyle.  Those who know me well know that "healthy" and I aren't exactly synonymous.  Historically, I've gone out of my way to be every type of "un" healthy there is.  However, a LOT of that has changed within the past couple years.  I've let go of so much I never thought I could and accomplished more than I thought myself capable of.  This, however?  Perhaps more difficult; it's not giving something up, it's not stopping something...it's trying to rewire my very mindset.  I firmly believe that there is no "magic diet" in this world, in order to be healthy and fit, you have to change your actual lifestyle, the way you think about what you're putting into your body and they way you think about moving your body.  Not exactly an easy task for the stubborn llama.