Attitude

So...I have been told I might have a problem with my "attitude" regarding this weight loss/healthy lifestyle adventure I intend to embark on.  Apparently, "fat girl jeans" doesn't covey a positive attitude/outlook.

To make something a bit more clear- I am unhappy with my weight right now- 221 lbs on a 5'2" frame is in no way healthy or attractive.  But...I'm not disgusted with myself, I'm not running to the nearest "quickie" diet plan, heading to the store to buy laxatives by the caseload, or spending time worshiping the porcelain god.  I'm trying to change what I'm doing in a healthy manner, pay attention to what I'm putting in my body, and becoming more active, rather than less.

I let myself get to this size in the past couple of years.  I was fairly aware of what was going on, but did nothing to stop it.  Why?  I had more important things to deal with.  I was busy trying to stop killing myself by inches and honestly?  The weight gain just wasn't all that important to me at the time.  For perhaps the first time in my life, saving myself was more important than saving face.  It was much more important during these past two years to keep myself alive than to keep myself "thin".

Has that mindset changed?  Not really; I haven't suddenly switched gears and decided my life must once again revolve around how much weight I can lose.  The time has simply come to address the issue.  For the first time in twenty years, I'm not actively damaging my body; that part is under control.  Now, when it comes to the healthier lifestyle I'm attempting to embark on? I know I'm overweight, but I don't sit in front of the mirror everyday telling myself how disgusting I am.  I don't weight myself three or four times a day.  I don't burst into tears when a pair of pants no longer fit.

Do I get angry?  A bit.  Are there parts of my insane little mind that still whisper to me about how disgusting I am, how fat I've become?  Yes- there are.  The difference between my past self and my current self?  What has "changed" that has made this possible?  Now?  I just tell those whispering little demons in the corners of mind to shut the fuck up.