Same Old Song

I saw a very old friend today, albeit briefly.  It's an encounter I've been steadfastly avoiding for years.  Not because of anything she's said or done, but because it's been so long...as in, the last time she saw me?  I was twenty years old and close to 100 lbs lighter than I am today.

Why should this bother me?  Why should I let the fact that I'm not the sickly, anorexic stick figure I was then affect my relationships (or lack thereof) with people now???  Is this something I've ever going to get past?

In all honesty, my current weight was a HUGE reason I didn't return to therapy for as long as I did.  I wanted to see the same psychologist that I'd started this whole mess with and physically, I'd changed so much.  It was hard for me to take that step, knowing what I look like now compared to then.  The same thoughts came up when it came to seeing this woman again.

There's embarrassment, shame, and perhaps a little bit of guilt behind these thoughts.  It upsets me that so much of how I define myself is still wrapped up in how I look- well, specifically, how much I weigh.  I don't wear make-up, I will readily go outside the house wearing pajama pants and a grubby t-shirt (sometimes wearing a crown...), I don't give a flying fuck about the gray hairs I have, but the weight??? STILL BOTHERS ME.

Admittedly, it doesn't bother me as much as it did.  It didn't stop me from meeting up with this old friend of mine (today at least, I kind of backed out of an earlier meet)- but it DID cause me more anxiety throughout the day than I care to admit.  And honestly, I don't know if I'm bothered more by the actual anxiety or the fact that the anxiety even still exists.  *sigh*

I just...honestly thought I was past these thoughts.   Not so much, apparently.

The thing is, once I do gather the courage to do these things, meet up with these people who "knew me when", etc?  It's never ONCE been a bad thing.  I've always walked away happier that I'd seen them again.  So why can't I stop this damned thought process???

Is it a residual ED thing? Is it something that is just so damned hard-wired into my brain it will never go away?  Or (the more likely situation) do I just need to keep exposing myself to these people who "knew me when" regardless in order to kill the damned thought process?

Time to suck it up and move on.  Sometimes, you just have to cover your ears, say "I can't hear you!" to the doubts in your head, and keep living instead of hiding.