So...I have been told I might have a problem with my "attitude" regarding this weight loss/healthy lifestyle adventure I intend to embark on. Apparently, "fat girl jeans" doesn't covey a positive attitude/outlook.
To make something a bit more clear- I am unhappy with my weight right now- 221 lbs on a 5'2" frame is in no way healthy or attractive. But...I'm not disgusted with myself, I'm not running to the nearest "quickie" diet plan, heading to the store to buy laxatives by the caseload, or spending time worshiping the porcelain god. I'm trying to change what I'm doing in a healthy manner, pay attention to what I'm putting in my body, and becoming more active, rather than less.
I let myself get to this size in the past couple of years. I was fairly aware of what was going on, but did nothing to stop it. Why? I had more important things to deal with. I was busy trying to stop killing myself by inches and honestly? The weight gain just wasn't all that important to me at the time. For perhaps the first time in my life, saving myself was more important than saving face. It was much more important during these past two years to keep myself alive than to keep myself "thin".
Has that mindset changed? Not really; I haven't suddenly switched gears and decided my life must once again revolve around how much weight I can lose. The time has simply come to address the issue. For the first time in twenty years, I'm not actively damaging my body; that part is under control. Now, when it comes to the healthier lifestyle I'm attempting to embark on? I know I'm overweight, but I don't sit in front of the mirror everyday telling myself how disgusting I am. I don't weight myself three or four times a day. I don't burst into tears when a pair of pants no longer fit.
Do I get angry? A bit. Are there parts of my insane little mind that still whisper to me about how disgusting I am, how fat I've become? Yes- there are. The difference between my past self and my current self? What has "changed" that has made this possible? Now? I just tell those whispering little demons in the corners of mind to shut the fuck up.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Urges to Sell My Children
So...yesterday afternoon, my daughters spent the entire afternoon and early evening "cleaning" their rooms. I then let them free and told them I would help them finish their rooms (vacuuming, organizing a bit, etc) this morning.
My youngest daughter's room actually looked halfway decent at first glance. Then...I opened her closet. Apparently, "closet" and "depository for dirty laundry" are synonymous in the redhead's mind. And she complains that she never has any clothes? Seriously??? Does she think she has a magic laundry transporter in her closet that automatically transfers her dirty clothes to the basement? When I ask them to get the laundry out of their rooms, does she think her dirty clothes transfer themselves to baskets in the laundry room of their own accord after freeing themselves from the confines of their closet???
Then there's the blond... for some ungodly reason, there was a need to have three blankets spread out on her floor as some type of what? Rug? Accent colors? Oh wait...they were covering up all the CRAP that was underneath them!!! Gotcha, blondie!!! *sigh*
One of those days I would gladly sell them to the highest bidder- or at least rent them, as I imagine I would want them back; I'm kind of attached to them at this point.
After about two hours of attempting to dispel the madness, I called (well, texted) for help. And my MIL came over. And helped me, yet again. I honestly don't know what I would do without this woman and I feel unbelievably blessed to have her in my life. My hubby definitely got the raw end of the deal when it comes to mother-in-laws, poor boy. His mom...is amazing and has become one of my closest confidantes in the past few years. My only regret is that I spent soooo many years pushing her (and everyone else in the free world) away. I try not to dwell on things like that anymore- past mistakes, missed opportunities, etc- but everyone once in awhile, the feelings of regret and sorrow at what I may have missed in my life due to my own stupidity and blindness- it hits me like a freight train, and I find myself sobbing in disbelief of all that could have been.
I've spent years- the vast majority of my life, actually- dwelling on thoughts as such. Belittling and punishing myself not only for "mistakes" I was currently making, but for everything I perceived I'd done wrong throughout my life. And then? I'd punish myself, belittle myself, hate myself for perpetuating the cycle that even I could so plainly see. I'd listen to no one; I deserved to be miserable and I was damned sure I was going to remain that way.
So...what changed? I was asked that recently by someone dear to me regarding my most recent attempt at quitting smoking. (I say attempt because it's been an ongoing struggle for almost three years now, not because I believe I will fail.) I was at a loss for words; I couldn't really express what exactly had changed. What circumstances were now different that were enabling me to succeed in quitting not only the smoking, but the other blatantly self-destructive behavior as well. What was different???
Simply put? I'm different. In so very many ways. I've learned to pull myself back from situations instead of immediately reacting to them. There are times this doesn't necessarily hold true- I am, after all, merely human- but for the most part? I look before I leap now.
I talk to people now, honestly talk to them. There are people I've opened up to in the past two years that are now closer to me than those I've known all my life. There are friends I've rediscovered by simply answering the damned phone instead of ignoring them for fear of what they may think of me. Relationships that have grown soooo much stronger now that I actively participate in them instead of constantly standing on the sidelines waiting for someone to find out that I don't really belong here, I don't deserve this, I shouldn't be allowed to be happy.
Perhaps most importantly though... I've learned to constantly evaluate my actions- as in- "Is this helping me or hurting me?" Another cool trick that's been drilled into my head *huge eye roll* is viewing my behaviors in the eyes of my daughters- is this something I would want either of them to do? Is this how I want them to view themselves? What kind of example am I setting for them?
Regarding the smoking,etc- I've learned to ask myself- BEFORE ACTING- "How is this going to help this situation?" Time and time again, I can't come up with any damned way that smoking, purging, cutting, starving, etc will help ANY situation... so I stop. It's becoming a little easier every day.
My youngest daughter's room actually looked halfway decent at first glance. Then...I opened her closet. Apparently, "closet" and "depository for dirty laundry" are synonymous in the redhead's mind. And she complains that she never has any clothes? Seriously??? Does she think she has a magic laundry transporter in her closet that automatically transfers her dirty clothes to the basement? When I ask them to get the laundry out of their rooms, does she think her dirty clothes transfer themselves to baskets in the laundry room of their own accord after freeing themselves from the confines of their closet???
Then there's the blond... for some ungodly reason, there was a need to have three blankets spread out on her floor as some type of what? Rug? Accent colors? Oh wait...they were covering up all the CRAP that was underneath them!!! Gotcha, blondie!!! *sigh*
One of those days I would gladly sell them to the highest bidder- or at least rent them, as I imagine I would want them back; I'm kind of attached to them at this point.
After about two hours of attempting to dispel the madness, I called (well, texted) for help. And my MIL came over. And helped me, yet again. I honestly don't know what I would do without this woman and I feel unbelievably blessed to have her in my life. My hubby definitely got the raw end of the deal when it comes to mother-in-laws, poor boy. His mom...is amazing and has become one of my closest confidantes in the past few years. My only regret is that I spent soooo many years pushing her (and everyone else in the free world) away. I try not to dwell on things like that anymore- past mistakes, missed opportunities, etc- but everyone once in awhile, the feelings of regret and sorrow at what I may have missed in my life due to my own stupidity and blindness- it hits me like a freight train, and I find myself sobbing in disbelief of all that could have been.
I've spent years- the vast majority of my life, actually- dwelling on thoughts as such. Belittling and punishing myself not only for "mistakes" I was currently making, but for everything I perceived I'd done wrong throughout my life. And then? I'd punish myself, belittle myself, hate myself for perpetuating the cycle that even I could so plainly see. I'd listen to no one; I deserved to be miserable and I was damned sure I was going to remain that way.
So...what changed? I was asked that recently by someone dear to me regarding my most recent attempt at quitting smoking. (I say attempt because it's been an ongoing struggle for almost three years now, not because I believe I will fail.) I was at a loss for words; I couldn't really express what exactly had changed. What circumstances were now different that were enabling me to succeed in quitting not only the smoking, but the other blatantly self-destructive behavior as well. What was different???
Simply put? I'm different. In so very many ways. I've learned to pull myself back from situations instead of immediately reacting to them. There are times this doesn't necessarily hold true- I am, after all, merely human- but for the most part? I look before I leap now.
I talk to people now, honestly talk to them. There are people I've opened up to in the past two years that are now closer to me than those I've known all my life. There are friends I've rediscovered by simply answering the damned phone instead of ignoring them for fear of what they may think of me. Relationships that have grown soooo much stronger now that I actively participate in them instead of constantly standing on the sidelines waiting for someone to find out that I don't really belong here, I don't deserve this, I shouldn't be allowed to be happy.
Perhaps most importantly though... I've learned to constantly evaluate my actions- as in- "Is this helping me or hurting me?" Another cool trick that's been drilled into my head *huge eye roll* is viewing my behaviors in the eyes of my daughters- is this something I would want either of them to do? Is this how I want them to view themselves? What kind of example am I setting for them?
Regarding the smoking,etc- I've learned to ask myself- BEFORE ACTING- "How is this going to help this situation?" Time and time again, I can't come up with any damned way that smoking, purging, cutting, starving, etc will help ANY situation... so I stop. It's becoming a little easier every day.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Turning a Page
So...blogging, huh? Eric started one, so I had to follow! Kidding actually; I used to have a blog when I had a MySpace page- was actually the main reason I kept it as long as I did. Kind of wish FB had a blog...but it doesn't. Notes just ain't the same.
Today...I bought my last pair of fat girl jeans. I can't stay this way, I can't keep living this way. It's not healthy. I shouldn't be out of breath from climbing the stairs at work. I shouldn't eat so much crap and avoid so many fruits and veggies. I should drink more water. I should- dare I say it?- EXERCISE and get in shape. Not bodybuilding-marathon-running in shape, but perhaps able to FIND the muscles under the fat???
But...let me be honest here- the weight itself bothers me more than I can possibly explain. As in, yes, I need to be healthier...but that translates in my mind into thinner. A portion of my self-image- possibly even my self-worth- is always going to be tied up in my weight, I think. Which is sad and unhealthy; I know. But I don't know that that link will ever completely disappear. It's much MUCH weaker than once it was, but it's like a little corner of my brain has been permanently altered and the link itself will ALWAYS be there.
So, for my both my health and my sanity...it's time to change to a healthier lifestyle. Those who know me well know that "healthy" and I aren't exactly synonymous. Historically, I've gone out of my way to be every type of "un" healthy there is. However, a LOT of that has changed within the past couple years. I've let go of so much I never thought I could and accomplished more than I thought myself capable of. This, however? Perhaps more difficult; it's not giving something up, it's not stopping something...it's trying to rewire my very mindset. I firmly believe that there is no "magic diet" in this world, in order to be healthy and fit, you have to change your actual lifestyle, the way you think about what you're putting into your body and they way you think about moving your body. Not exactly an easy task for the stubborn llama.
Today...I bought my last pair of fat girl jeans. I can't stay this way, I can't keep living this way. It's not healthy. I shouldn't be out of breath from climbing the stairs at work. I shouldn't eat so much crap and avoid so many fruits and veggies. I should drink more water. I should- dare I say it?- EXERCISE and get in shape. Not bodybuilding-marathon-running in shape, but perhaps able to FIND the muscles under the fat???
But...let me be honest here- the weight itself bothers me more than I can possibly explain. As in, yes, I need to be healthier...but that translates in my mind into thinner. A portion of my self-image- possibly even my self-worth- is always going to be tied up in my weight, I think. Which is sad and unhealthy; I know. But I don't know that that link will ever completely disappear. It's much MUCH weaker than once it was, but it's like a little corner of my brain has been permanently altered and the link itself will ALWAYS be there.
So, for my both my health and my sanity...it's time to change to a healthier lifestyle. Those who know me well know that "healthy" and I aren't exactly synonymous. Historically, I've gone out of my way to be every type of "un" healthy there is. However, a LOT of that has changed within the past couple years. I've let go of so much I never thought I could and accomplished more than I thought myself capable of. This, however? Perhaps more difficult; it's not giving something up, it's not stopping something...it's trying to rewire my very mindset. I firmly believe that there is no "magic diet" in this world, in order to be healthy and fit, you have to change your actual lifestyle, the way you think about what you're putting into your body and they way you think about moving your body. Not exactly an easy task for the stubborn llama.