So...a few months ago, I had to go buy "fat girl" jeans...as in, I'd outgrown all the jeans I'd bought after losing a bunch of weight...because I'd put all the weight back on. Why? How? Let's just say...when you eat like a bulimic, but don't purge like a bulimic- the pounds pile back on pretty quickly.
I remember writing somewhere- and texting several people as well- about how that was the last straw: having to go buy "fat girl" jeans. That was it, things had to change, I needed to commit to losing this weight.
And here I find myself months later...buying fatter fat girl jeans.
I'm beyond disgusted with myself. I'm trying to figure out how to turn this out-of-control mine cart (think Scooby Doo) around, how to kick myself hard enough in the ass to change the situation.
Do I want to change the situation? Yes...but I want it to be as "easy" as it always used to be. Hell, I could drop 50 lbs in a month with my eyes closed if I wanted but...
...I also have this strong desire not to end up hospitalized...or dead.
I need to wrap my head around the fact that this isn't a "losing weight" thing...it's a "healthy living" thing. As odd as it sounds, I want to be that girl that walks the Bix every year, the girl that drinks water instead of pop, the girl that reaches for veggies instead of chips; fruit instead of ice cream.
Yet...that means breaking a lifetime of bad habits; it means finding (as I've mentioned before) balance. And much as I hate the fact, it's going to take time. I'm not going to shed 50 lbs in a month; real life is not the Biggest Loser ranch. Real life is struggling to find that balance, that place where you're living healthy while living an everyday existence. It's about wanting to be healthy more than wanting to eat all the Cheetos; wanting to be willing to patiently carve out a new "healthy you" than looking for the quick fix.
Apparently, I'm not there yet. I think I need a GPS.
